Ease Into Aging

By Jackie Lebovits

When you’re touring college campuses and assisted living facilities at the same time, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. As long as you stay organized, committed, and compassionate —and both lean on and listen to others— you can successfully care for three generations: your parents, your children, and yourself. Below are practical strategies and tips to successfully navigate caring for those older and younger, while also prioritizing self-care.

Address the Stress:
1. Time Management and Scheduling Conflicts
SAT prep for your daughter, a follow-up appointment with a pulmonary specialist for your father, and your quarterly review with your boss: your calendar is filled to the brim. Balancing medical appointments, work commitments, school events, and extracurricular activities can create constant scheduling conflicts.
Tips:
o Try Time Blocking: Allocate specific times for caregiving, family time, and self-care. Time blocking can help create a sense of balance and control over your schedule and ensure nothing gets overlooked.

o Prioritize and Delegate: Use shared digital calendars to coordinate appointments, school events, and family obligations. Prioritize tasks that must be done personally and delegate or outsource others when possible (e.g., using a grocery delivery service or arranging carpool rides for teens). Encourage your teenagers and young adults to take on more responsibilities, such as helping with their grandparents or managing some of their own needs independently. This not only lightens your load but also teaches them valuable life skills.

2. Role Strain
According to sociologist William Goode, Role Strain refers to the tension an individual experiences when struggling to fulfill the myriad responsibilities and expectations associated with each of their roles. In other words, role strain is the exhaustion of feeling stretched too thin or pulled in multiple directions.

Constantly shifting between the roles of caregiver, parent, professional, partner, and friend can lead to burnout—which, beyond fatigue, can contribute to health risks such as depression, weight changes, and a lowered immune system. This Caregiver Burnout Quiz can help you evaluate your symptoms.

Tips:
o Set Boundaries: Communicate clearly with your family and friends regarding your availability and limits. Let your teenagers know when you need quiet time, avoid answering work emails outside of business hours, and don’t volunteer for the PTA bake sale just because you feel you “should.” It’s okay to sit this one out.

o Seek Assistance: Don’t hesitate to ask for help from other family members, friends, or professional caregivers. Involve your children in caregiving tasks when appropriate and ask for help around the house (remember from earlier to delegate tasks!). Check to see if you qualify for Family and Medical Leave from work. Utilize available resources, seek counseling, and reach out to your community. Take your neighbor up on their offer to bring over a casserole – even if you worry that perhaps the offer was not heartfelt. If you have the means, hire an occasional housecleaner or respite caretaker to give yourself a break.

o Join a Support Group: Whether it’s in-person or online, support groups can provide a sense of community and offer practical advice from others in similar situations. They may have suggestions you hadn’t thought of.

3. Confronting Guilt and Self-Neglect
Another symptom of role strain: guilt. This often arises when feeling like you’re not giving enough time to either your parents or your children. The nagging feeling may also pop up when taking time for yourself. While it’s easier said than done, try to not to validate that impulse; remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup.

Tips:
o Embrace Imperfection: Acknowledge that it’s impossible to do everything perfectly and remind yourself that you’re doing the best that you can. Keep in mind that you’re only one person with finite hours in a day. Focus on the quality of the time you spend with each family member rather than the quantity. Show grace—both toward yourself and others.

o Practice Gratitude: Take stock of what you are grateful for each and every day. Keep a gratitude journal to remind yourself about the positives in life, both big and small.

o Prioritize Self-Care: Remember that caring for yourself is crucial to being able to care for others. Schedule regular breaks, meditate (we love Happier), exercise, and get enough sleep. Schedule time for activities that recharge you, whether that’s reading, walking, a hobby, or simply having quiet time. Enlist the help of a mental health professional, and be open to receiving wisdom from those with experience.

4. Financial Pressures

With the high costs of university tuition, a tough economy, and changing cultural norms, adult children have increasingly been moving back in with their parents. Having “boomerang kids” can be a blessing —more family time— but can also cause a financial strain. And there’s no way to sugarcoat it: the costs of your own household, your children’s needs, and your parents’ care can add up fast.

Tips:

o Create a Budget: Develop a clear budget that outlines all your expenses. Keep track of your finances with a digital or physical budget planner and look for ways to cut costs.

o Seek Assistance: As mentioned above, utilize any and all resources available to you. Look into government programs, financial assistance programs for elder care, mutual aid groups, and scholarships for your college-aged children. Remember you’re not alone.

o Plan for the Future: If possible, consult with a financial advisor who specializes in elder care planning. They can help you navigate long-term care insurance, Medicare, or other resources that can ease the financial burden.

5. Communication Challenges Across Generations

Teenagers and young adults tend to communicate very differently from elderly parents. What a grandparent finds rude (texting instead of calling) may feel more comfortable for a socially anxious teen, while an elder’s expectations may feel outdated to a young adult. Balancing the differing communication needs of two generations can be tricky, especially when their needs conflict.

Tips:

o Open Lines of Communication: Foster open, honest communication with both your parents and your children. Create an environment that encourages respectful discourse (such as “I” statements) and allows everyone to feel heard. Practice forgiveness, generosity, patience, and compassion, and ask for the same. Remind one another how much you love each other.

o Plan Regular Family Meetings: Family meetings offer a space for all members to voice concerns and work together to brainstorm solutions. Listening to one another and involving everyone in decision-making can validate emotions, reduce misunderstandings, and ease tensions.